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Dr. Love keeps marriage sparks alive

Therapist teaches couples that relationships are about more than candy and flowers

Opening scene: panning shot of picturesque church followed by a wide shot of subject in his office, seated at a long table, facing a bank of windows.

Action.

 

The place where Dr. Love — not his real name, we'll get to that later — normally does his thing is St. David's Episcopal Church, high on a hill in West Meade.

Except  for Valentine's Day. Then he takes his relationship-righting crusade to the University School of Nashville for a one-night gig.

And, verily, those in need of a tune-up of the heart (the romantic kind, not the ka-thumping kind) show up by a steady stream of twos to learn or, in many cases, be reminded how to reconnect with their spouse.

Basic human relationship stuff.

Knowledge you'd think homo sapiens would have mastered long since our knuckles stopped dragging the ground.

But we never learn, Dr. Love says assuredly. "We're human."

Cue music: "The way we were" by Barbara Streisand.

 

The 'Imago' explained

His real name is Rod Kochtitzky (Ko-TITZ-kee). But just call him Rod, master of divinity, with additional graduate training in psychotherapy.

That Dr. Love thing? Well, it was just a writer-ly lure, a device to get you interested in what the man has to say about why we fall in love, what we don't understand about this intricately complex subject and how couples can reignite their relationships on this, the day of hearts.

The first thing you need to know about Rod is that he, too, has loved and failed. It was the dissolution of his first marriage in the 1980s that prompted him to examine his own ignorance of the subject.

"I really needed to understand the failure of my first marriage. I wasn't going to do that again," he says. (Note to readers: He remarried in 1991. More about Jane later.)

It's all about understanding that blessed ignorant time when we're falling in love.

Rod is an adherent of Imago Relationship Therapy, a movement that stemmed from the work of Harville Hendrix, a pastoral psychologist who wrote the 1988 book Getting the Love You Want, A Guide for Couples.

Imago is Latin for image, or likeness.

In a psychological application, Rod notes, our imago (soft "i"-ma-go; accent on "ma") is what we project in order to find a mate.

"You literally have a radar inside of you that's out there looking. You're projecting your imago, your image that's an amalgamation of your primary caregivers, particularly the ways you got loved," he says.

But here's the kicker: In terms of romantic fireworks, our imagos blind that part of our brain that tells us "Who-a-a-a-a."

"It's not our rational minds picking our partners. It's our unconscious/subconscious mind that's picking our partners."

That explains how two otherwise rational people might, on a love-drunk whim, exchange vows and then have a public breakup a month or so later. Any celebrity couple(s) come to mind?

But this is news even commoners can use, Rod says.

For instance, everybody knows opposites often attract.

"You see what's missing in you. That's why together, that your halves make a whole and you have that wonderful feeling of finding that other half, or your soul mate, an idea that goes back all the way to Plato, and the idea of yin and the yang, the whole thing of completion," he notes.

The bottom line of the good therapist's message is this: "It's illusions that bring us together."

"The more you habituate, whether you move in together or whether you get married, the bubble pops, and you're going to end up in a power struggle and having to deal with each other's real persons. That's when the magic starts to wear out. The honeymoon's over."

Cue music: "He stopped loving her today" by George Jones.

 

Understand power struggle

Rod rises from the table and crosses to a couch, where his stash of bottled water is hidden underneath. The couch is where couples usually sit when they come to see him. On therapy days he sits in a 6-year-old graphite gray Herman Miller Aeron Chair that is his pride and joy.

Rod has brown eyes and his hair has gone salt and pepper. He's a native Nashvillian. His father was a beloved physician for many years. He's 54 now and, upon first glance, exudes a professorial air, but he's not a pontificating know-it-all.

Well, he knows a lot and tells a lot, but not as an overlord of the lectern, more as an energetic tour guide for couples as he leans back thoughtfully, and comfortably, in his Aeron.

Where do lovebirds make their first mistake?

The question falls on his face like a pebble in a pond, yielding ripples of information.

"I think it's the lack of awareness. What is natural to do is to fall in love and end up in a power struggle. You can't do anything about that. It's what's going to happen. It's what is.

"The mistake couples make is ending it there, just staying stuck in that power struggle. I think it takes some kind of outside help, whether it's reading a book — there's lots of them out there — or seeing a therapist-slash-coach, or minister, or doing a program in your church."

Seeking help "raises awareness of the unconscious forces that are going on in the relationship," he says.

Unfortunately, he notes, most couples do not seek help, ergo many marriages in the United States end up in divorce. Some number crunchers say the divorce rate is as high as 51 percent, which Rod holds as true. Others argue the figure is lower.

Regardless, a New York Times analysis of census data indicated that in 2005 married couples became a minority of all American households for the first time.

Rod contends many couples who stay together end up in "parallel relationships."

"We get a kid between us or we're vested in work or other things, and that's what stabilizes the relationship. It's not really intimate or connected. It becomes functional more than passionate.

"A real relationship of deep commitment and intimacy is a rare thing. If it's happened it's because the couple has done something to make it happen. It doesn't happen naturally," he says.

Cue music: "What's love got to do with it" by Tina Turner.

 

Couple gets refresher

In his role as a marriage counselor, Rod usually sees couples in therapy sessions or at two-day retreats he offers. The Valentine's Day program is structured differently. Obviously, in an hour and a half he can't touch on all aspects of love and relationships that would normally be covered in several months of meetings or in a retreat.

"But what I want to do is to give folks a place where they can make a deeper connection than they might make on their own. It brings an experience of connection that will hopefully help the couple to have a deeper experience beyond hearts and flowers," he says.

This is the third year the Valentine's Day program has been offered. If tonight's program is like the previous two, many of the faces will be familiar. About one-third are former clients who come for a relationship refresher, Rod says.

Will and Lacey Steih of Franklin, who are parents of two boys, 5 and 3, are typical. The couple — he's a CPA, she's a "24/7 mom" — has been married for seven and a half years. They got to know Rod and his practice several years ago when they sought him for counseling. They have attended the Valentine's Day event as a relationship refresher and used the program to introduce friends and family to him.

"For me, and Lacey echoes this, Rod is somebody who personally and professionally has attached himself to a philosophy that he utilizes in his own marriage. Knowing that was an affirming and validating experience," Will noted.

"He's not just telling you how to help your relationship, he's telling you how he's used this in his own life."

Rod says if he didn't practice it at home, he couldn't preach it.

It all begins with understanding the emotional centers of the brain and how much they control our reactions.

"It's where all the arguments come from, where all the name calling comes from, where all the destructive things that we all end up doing in relationships. It's why they happen," he says.

Couples must learn "to talk rather than act out. It's the acting out that destroys our love. It's the talking about them and working through them that gets us connected in a more meaningful way," he says.

Who knows, he says, when two people learn to talk there's hope that "cities and nations, maybe even the world, could listen to one another."

So talk, don't fight.

Listen.

Feel the good vibes.

Peace out.

Cue music: "Still the One" by Orleans.

Fade to black.

Contact Leon Alligood at 259-8279 or lalligood@tennessean.com.